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Feelings-ette

If you are what you eat, I don't recall eating anxiety.


I just don't recall that and yet here we are.


My last few weeks have been real soul refining. In no particular order, here is the situation.


My statute of limitations has been reached in regards to a messy garage (3 years). It's starting to send my pretend OCD into system overload. I'm teaching math to 3rd and 4th graders. Do I really need to elaborate here? The preschoolers I teach give me a daily dose of truth that would make Socrates proud (I actually freakin' love them). My teenager takes great pride in hating on me then borrowing all my clothes and spilling ketchup on them. My 4 year old's sass has reached record heights as he currently relishes the title of Boss Man. My 12 year old has decided math homework is overrated and his calling in life is card tricks learned via YouTube and/or sports star. I had my feelings hurt by my friend. It's grape juice making time of year (my absolute favorite) and I managed to spill most of my juice all over the stove so now when I cook it smells like burnt cotton candy. Additionally, for some God-forsaken reason, I am enjoying Whole30 so I cannot eat my feelings or ice cream for another 9 days. During which time, Salt 'N Straw will discontinue my favoritest ice cream.


Hold me.


This month has been Sept-"Let's learn how to sit with your feelings" -ember, KG. I believe we were put on this earth to learn how to feel ALL the feelings: joy, anger, sadness, success, betrayal, cringe (I really don't know what emotion this is but Harry says it ALL THE TIME) excitement, pride, passion, thrill, anxiety and straight up being broken. I personally feel that having the feelings all at once is a little life lesson overkill but hey, what do I know?


This week while swimming through this thing called life, I felt a tug on my heart, which usually means I need to sit down and write a little. As I tried to do just that, Harry needed help with math, Evelyn wanted to discuss the inner workings of her heart during an emotional breakdown, dinner needed making, chauffering wasn't gonna do itself, a birth certificate needed finding, dishes needed doing, laundry needed to be put away (you're cute if you think I fold anything) and all I could think to do was get out of the house and go running. Fast and far and long like. .


Wait for it. Here comes the win.


In the middle of this "Overwhelm", I sat down with the feeling like we were having tea together. I went in my closet, locked the door, sat down, closed my eyes, and just breathed. Inhale-2-3-4. Exhale-2-3-4. Over and Over again. I didn't numb myself, or buffer or run away. I just sat with the feeling for a while, acknowledged it until it passed.


And people, IT DID PASS!


Five minutes later I opened my eyes and the feeling had ceased. I still had a list of to-do's that would give a Russian a hangover, but I wasn't anxious about it at all. I calmly started at the top of the list and worked my way down. I even made dinner and eye contact with the emotionally vehement Evelyn.


I'm a massive, broken, work-in-progress. I'll admit it every day of the week and twice on Sundays. I've got the "work" part down pretty well. My wheels are always turnin'. It was really nice(needed even) for me to have a little, meager emotional "progress" too. I needed that win.


So I don't recall eating anxiety, but occasionally it's just there. Once in a while it knocks on my door and wants to hang out. When joy knocks, I throw a party. When sadness knocks, I'm okay snuggling up for a while with the sadness until it turns to gratitude. I'm determined to learn how to sit with ALL the feelings. Including this one. I'd even go so far as to say it makes me a better human.


Thought I'd share.




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